If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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