This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
