I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
