he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
