just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Actions speak louder than pants.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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