Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
