Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
