Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
