OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
