why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
