are you so shy because you have an std?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
