I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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