saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
