just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
