She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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