I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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