Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
