why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
