I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
