guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
