while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
