I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
