I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
