Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
