my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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