More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just had sex on a roof
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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