I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
