I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
