My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
