1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
