Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
