you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
