She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
