You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
