Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
