apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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