I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
