Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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