I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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