If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
