I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
