My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
