I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
