Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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