he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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