I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
