I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
