wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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