And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
