Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
