oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
