youre lurking in front of me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
